Start.

Start now? Or start at the beginning? Starting at all is usually a problem. It’s easier to start now, then it’s possible that the beginning might be forgotten…but, without the beginning is the now really all that worthwhile? I clearly remember the beginning, but I choose not to think about it. Those are two different things, you know? Admitting that you remember is only the first step, you have to choose to think about it to really understand it. It’s the It that I usually like to pretend never happened. The one “oopps” in my seemingly perfect life that I choose to ignore. No one expects such things from a person like me, and when they hear the truth they generally turn away, disgusted. I understand, because I feel that way about myself sometimes.

“Start to forgive.” That’s what Dr. Darcy tells me on Tuesdays when I’m forced into her office by my mother. It’s like a battle. My mom driving, me resisting, I wish I could brace my feet against the door frame of the car and wait for her to push and pull me through the parking lot like a donkey. I feel that unwilling. I wonder what they would do if I let out a loud, braying “he-haw” as we sat in the waiting room. Mom would probably have me committed.

Starting over would be easier if I had someplace else to go. Not that I want to run away, but doesn’t it sound much more pleasant? “Kara moved to California to make a clean start.” That’s the kind of big steps I feel are necessary when one starts over. It’s hard to start over, to start fresh, in dreary, central NY. Especially this time of year when everything is gray and bleak and cold.

Start doing something. I’ve been told over and over and over and over. Mike, my brother, says this a lot. He says it’s why he plays sports. To stay busy and focused on things that don’t really effect his life. Easier said than done. I have started to hate that word “start”. I don’t want to start anything. Why should I get to start when everything else seems to have stopped? All I can think about are those shiny, silver paddles and the flashing red lights.

“Start it! God, start it. Please make that machine start his heart. Start it! Start it!”

Stopped…